Fear of Being Alone

Being sucked into feeling guilty for not partying has plagued my life for the past few years. As my friends would make plans every weekend and expect me to come along, I felt a longing to just be by myself. Ultimately, I would get dragged into hanging out with them, and subsequently would be surrounded by a bunch of strangers who would make me feel insecure and unwanted. I would be at a party with tons of people, but would feel alone in my own little world.

This feeling of guilt used to consume me. It wasn’t FOMO, rather feeling bad about not going out with my friends because I wanted them to feel like I wanted to. As Sarah said, this is “a really sad mindset to be in.” To think that the only reason I was going out was to fit in with people who didn’t even know who I was, when I would much rather be by myself and watching a movie, made me reevaluate how I wanted to be spending my time, and who I should be spending that time with.

I used to think that wanting to stay home meant that there was something wrong with me. I was confused why I didn’t love the same things that the people closest to me did. Yet, my time of self-reflection during quarantine made me realize that loving hanging out with just myself is actually something really important, and I shouldn’t hide that. Going out is fun, and it makes for great memories; however, rather than forcing myself into situations, I now let myself decide where and who I want to be with, allowing me to have a balance of my alone time and my time with friends.

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